I staggered home last night in a state of emptiness
one would fashion themselves in after enduring a twelve-hour tech rehearsal
secluded from the remainder of the student body. A game that I implored myself
not to care about – a game that would break my heart regardless of voided
victory or titillation turned into tragedy – a game that I have only seen drawn
up on an Xbox had just let out of the Coliseum: a 56-48 triple-overtime ESPN
Instant Classic USC demoralizer at the fumbling hands of otherwise-stellar
Curtis McNeal and the mercy of Andrew Luck and #6-Stanford. I missed what could
have been the sorrowful staple of my senior year and collegiate blogging
career, because I’m trying to be an actor.
I examined the streets last evening and realized we
were not taking the loss too well. Crowds of what I hoped were people coated in
obnoxious music and alcoholic candy consumption. A nun sprinting by me in the
pursuit of rescuing the faith of my fellow Trojans. The apparent mass breakout
of a female correctional facility as sluts flooded the pathways, while the
victims of pet cemeteries planted themselves outside the frozen yogurt joint
only shaking their heads. I, in my pink T-shirt and exhausted eye shadow,
wanted to scream, “The game never mattered anyway! It was a valiant effort but
we were sanctioned to begin with! Everyone calm down, it doesn’t have to be
this way!” And then I remembered how it’s Halloween weekend.
I realized I wasn’t missing out on much after all,
and not because of the dementor that is “The
American Clock” kissing my soul and sucking out the remnants of my
childhood for the sake of the Great Depression. I have not truly celebrated
Halloween since high school – sure there’s the intentional Rocky Horror outing
and the subtle makeup in the happiest place on Earth implying I’m Disney
character so kids won’t become confused and result to what can only be
described as World War II Juniors, but I grew out of the trick-or-treating and
nightly excursions for the substitution of gastritis and ignored homework.
Plus, the American holiday has pretty much dispersed itself throughout my daily
life anyway. I sport I scarf in Los Angeles. And I live in Los Angeles. And my
costume this year is a 1930s speakeasy owner/dentist/cab driver/etc. And I am
engrossed in football.
Besides the bold fans that dress up for every contest no matter the significance (my favorites are the cows we get here, for some reason), you have over 1600 professional men wearing what is technically a costume every single Sunday. Of course the uniform is all about the pride of a unified team, but would these guys be caught dead in tiger stripes or all purple if it weren’t for football? Maybe. But as the grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize, let’s witness how well these “uniforms” and personas empower their chances of pulling off survival in Week 8.
1. 4-2 Cincinnati Bengals over 2-4 Seattle Seahawks
The Bengals quite possibly have the sexiest uniforms
of any team in the NFL, literal in all of its mediocre glory. The Seahawks on
the other hand…what even is a seahawk? Is that you’re dignified version of a
penguin? Well you’re failing.
2. 5-2 Detroit Lions over 2-4 Denver Broncos
3. 3-3 Tennessee Titans over 0-7 Indianapolis Colts
I would never aspire
to be a horse for Halloween – and it would take true friendship and commitment
from the second person to pull it off and I don’t know too many people willing
to go there. The recent hayride bumps of the Lions and Titans will subside
against these poor unfortunate foals.
4. 4-2 New York Giants over 0-6 Miami Dolphins
I imagine a dolphin being even more awkward to
execute, and you’re essentially begging to be shoved into oncoming traffic.
When I worked at Six Flags this past summer, for the Dolphin Discoveries show
they almost made me dress – erm – that is…Bugs Bunny is real! Hehe…go Giants.
5. 5-2 New Orleans Saints over 0-6 St. Louis Rams
6. 5-1 New England Patriots over 5-2 Pittsburgh
Steelers
I could potentially
do wonders with a Ram outfit or a Steeler…a thief made of metal…and the human
practices of religion and partisanship that the Saints and Pats embody should
be mainstays of society throughout the calendar rather than strictly October
ensembles. However, the horns have appeared to slip over St Louis’ eyes causing
them to injure themselves and perform miserably thus far, and the Pittsburgh
Alkaline Bandits look slightly outmatched as well, so cheers for unoriginality.
7. 5-1 San Francisco 49ers over 3-3 Cleveland Browns
…okay seriously, what is this? A 49er is one thing –
an insentient numerical figure with a shovel – but what am I supposed to do
with “Brown”? A crayon? Or something distasteful? As Ross Gellar learned, you
can cry Spudnik all you want, but you’re still doodie.
8. 4-2 Baltimore Ravens over 1-5 Arizona Cardinals
I arrived at SoCal my freshman year with a naïve
sense of school spirit, and concocted an elaborate Trojan costume…only to
discover I was the sole festively clad person gallivanting about campus that
Friday afternoon…as a giant condom. Add to that both Stanford’s latest pine
needle shot into our psyche and the St. Louis Cardinals’ World Series success
(which I predicted by Game 6…), and a bad omen is spelled for Arizona as Edgar
Allen Poe ascends from the grave yet again.
9. Mafia Sports Quick Poll – 1-6 Minnesota Vikings
over 2-5 Carolina Panthers
The question posed: which of these teams from this
matchup calls for the better Halloween costume? By an overwhelming 75%, the
public sided with the violet and violent Scandinavian pirates over the cool
jungle cats from Egypt or India or somewhere. Despite a combined three wins
amongst the two squads, rookie quarterbacks Christian Ponder and Cam Newton,
respectively, are scaring life into the foreseeable future.
10. 3-3 Dallas Cowboys over 2-4 Philadelphia Eagles
I’m bringing back my cowboy apparel from first grade
to stifle the supposedly rising eagles, who will be dressed as vacuums and
chocolate and dog whistles this Sunday night.
11. 4-2 Buffalo Bills over 3-3 Washington Redskins
12. 4-3 Houston Texans over 2-5 Jacksonville Jaguars
I would advise against being deliberately and
vocally racist in your costume choices, and I’d much rather be an outlaw or a
bison any day of the week. Conversely, deliberately and vocally being a Texan
is comical to me and thereby acceptable.
13. 3-3 Kansas City Chiefs over 4-2 San Diego
Chargers
The Monday Night clash that beautifully falls on
actual Halloween, the Chargers are unsettlingly atop the AFC West, while the
Chiefs are creeping back up the standings after their 0-3 start to rekindle the
expectations they once obtained. I was Michael from Peter Pan last year, so I
can get behind this brand of Native American as KC will frightfully upset the
Lightning Bolts that symbolize imminent despair in all the ridiculous horror
movies. You gotta love Halloween and all of the candy corny puns and clichés that
come with it.