There isn't an adult I know that does not envy the worldly luxury that is kindergarten. And why wouldn't they? You've read all of the Facebook profiles by now. It is a glorious epoch where your most strenuous homework includes double-digit numbers, and your most crucial decisions involve Crayola's finest, and your highest standard of stress in this detrimental world is met by a prolonged quest for your cootie shot.
Yes, ignorance is bliss indeed, but we forget that our childhood is the primary source of the lessons and advice which ultimately sustain success and happiness throughout our ripened lives: make friends; listen to people; make more friends; you are special no matter what anyone tells you; don't forget to make friends; three cookies is enough and get your hand out of your pants! You won't meet a teacher worthy of that until the eighth grade. Now seriously, go out and make some friends!
Nothing was emphasized more during the Sports Management and Networking seminar I attended a week ago at the Blueclaws' FirstEnergy Park. Unfortunately, dues paid and talent upheld once an opportunity approaches - in any career - is only outdone by the people somebody else knows. It is a flawed system but we live with it, and there is no fault in pushing people to the stalker's edge of a social cliff. I just wish I learned the importance of supporter selectivity before associating myself with certain people.
Apparently, one of my closest friends, Mike Mantel, went to a baseball game in the past. I love this man like a brother with benefits, but he has absolutely no desire to admire or take note of the realm of sports - a fact that merely stings when compared to the remainder of this story, which I promise to spit out now. Here is an abridged text conversation between him and Jouben (the third beloved Michael of our trio):
MJ: Have you ever been to a baseball game?
MM: I think.
MJ: What?
MM: Well I went to a stadium in Boston.
MJ: Did it have a large green wall??
MM: Yes.
MJ: Holy crap you went to Fenway!
MM: Ok whatever.
...WHAT?!?!?! Are you joshing me?! Because your name is Mike. He received an entire illustrious tour of the prominent head on Major League's Mount Rushmore of coliseums...without any recollection of what it means! They could have been holding cricket tournaments for all he knew. And as I (a die-hard Red Sox fan) am hearing about this, I'm stuck in the Single-A wonder of Lakewood, New Jersey - the temple of his Jewish ancestors - the Nazareth of America! Come on!
Is it true that he was simply taking part in a class trip? Indubitably. And this debacle just happened to transpire the year Boston reversed their 86-season curse, so I'd much rather appoint Mantel the Savior of Beantown as opposed to hailing the juiced apostles of Not-So-Cleantown. It does not bother me that he lacks the knowledge and fandom circling this society, nor do I blame him for this intolerable incident. I blame Fenway Park.
Sporting events should entertain a more careful screening process for their admittees, in order to maintain their safety and reputations, along with those of the stadiums. True aficionados have nothing to fear, but if you are not a baseball lover and have not one idea of what you are beholding and can't prevent yourself from becoming lost or frustrated before you end up choking on a Cracker Jack, then allow me to direct you to the appropriate venue for you. So for all of you illegitimate U.S. citizens, let's take you out to some ballgames.
*Rogers Centre (Toronto Blue Jays): It's in Canada. So if you hate your country....
*Chase Field (Arizona Diamondbacks); Kauffman Stadium (Kansas City Royals); Progressive Field (Cleveland Indians); Safeco Park (Seattle Mariners): People walk all over you and don't even notice. You will never like baseball and these places are okay with that. Why not get some homework done in peace?
*Orioles Park at Camden Yards (Baltimore Orioles): You are Puck from Glee. When you decided to shave your mohawk, the aforementioned non-fans decided they can beat you up to attain validation in their own lives. Just park your car on Eutaw Street and sneak out early.
*Minute Maid Park (Houston Astros); PNC Park (Pittsburgh Pirates): Shrek - "Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?"
*Angel Stadium of Anaheim (Los Angeles Angels); Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum (Oakland Athletics); Rangers Ballpark in Arlington (Texas Rangers): You guys are actually decent people, but freakishly annoying at the same time. You are overly wordy to overcast the sunshine of your unoriginality. You also have some unhealthy fascination with the West.
*Nationals Park (Washington Nationals): Despite a bleak past, you are quite an optimistic fellow. And for your drink, you can buy a Stephen Strawsberg. Hahaha...whatever gets you through the day.
*Sun Life Stadium (Florida Marlins): When you go to a party, the host does everything in his power to get you to leave.
*Tropicana Field (Tampa Bay Rays): You want to be indoors. You're in Florida! If you can't handle the heat, then pretend to like these pretenders. (There is a small chance the Red Sox and Yankees advantageously screwed that roof over you, so they could shut y'all up.)
*Comerica Park (Detroit Tigers); Turner Field (Atlanta Braves): You like arguing and you crave drama. That's about it. Not too much else goes skitzophrenics!!!
*Busch Stadium (St. Louis Cardinals); Target Field (Minnesota Twins): You're the new kids on the block and you have that silent-but-deadly demeanor so I have nothing bad to say about you.
*Great American Ball Park (Cincinnati Reds): Gullible is your middle name and Literal is your Confirmation name. You probably saw Great American Ball Park and thought " Gee willikers! This is the greatest stadium in the history of forever with the best baseball since sliced bread! If i go in then that attractive cheerleader will think I'm a jock and notice me!" Dumbass.
*Miller Park (Milwaukee Brewers): Carnivores. You just love meat so much that nothing else exists. You can purchase meat, fornicate meat in the Terrace Box, and in the the middle of the sixth inning (Oh boy!), you can watch meat race! You're a sphygmomanometer away from paradise! Honestly, those sausages are a much better spectacle than those hot dogs wearing uniforms.
*PETCO Park (San Diego Padres): Vegetarians. You just love breathing animals so much that nothing else exists. "PETCO Park?! Oh my God a petting zoo!" Then you sprint inside only to witness some shockingly okay baseball. "That's great...so where are the animals?"
*Coors Field (Colorado Rockies): If you love high elevation and balls flying everywhere...no wonder you don't like sports.
*Citizens Bank Park (Philadelphia Phillies): You're an obnoxious story topper. When the guy on your left is tossing alcohol at the centerfielder, and the guy on your right...where did he...oh he's being tasered in centerfield..."That's nothing. See you umpires in centerfield tomorrow night!"
*AT&T Park (San Francisco Giants): You're a stubborn prune. Your drunk father wants to bond with you at a baseball game, but you'd rather play Marco Polo in the bay. Well here, you can do both! You also consumed ample amounts of juice from 1993-2007.
*Dodgers Stadium (Los Angeles Dodgers): You appreciate simplicity and tradition. And in spite of your mannywood, size doesn't matter to you. Kudos! And you don't need to be aware of the circumstances of the contest - just quarrel with the San Francisco fan three rows down and you'll fit right in.
*[New] Yankee Stadium (New York Yankees): Economics shmeconomics! You city folk hate the farm and want to see money grow on infrastructure. Disparity is the only trend you'll follow.
*Citi Field (New York Mets): You ever-so-badly yearn to be included in your older brother's limelight, and you continuously fall on your ass. So I guess an apple a day....
*Wrigley Field (Chicago Cubs): Well...you're an ambitious double major - History and Greek Tragedies. And if you're numb mentally and emotionally...no one can distinguish you from the actual fans. But you want to prove to your friends that you're seriously trying. You know what you should do? Snatch a ball in play from the field!
*U.S. Cellular Field (Chicago White Sox): Another disgruntled little sibling.
*Fenway Park (Boston Red Sox): Honestly, you are flawed and you need serious help. But you are persistent and accept adversity. You are extremely unique, and the Pesky Pole is a strong indication of your...cup size. And as long as you can appreciate years of suffering and know common terms such as THE GREEN MONSTER, you are welcome. And Neil Diamond flows through your veins.
Are cliques ridiculous? Of course. Am I being rude? Most likely. But I'm just helping people make friends.
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