World War XIX

The profile of our planet is unavoidably a negative one. What we currently label the most superior species of lifeforms is inhibited by greed for power, and by discrimination of any fellow man. When we are not wasting land and resources, we are wasting money and human beings in order to maliciously obtain land and resources, and power. It appears as though close-minded racism will always outhustle the plea for peace, and war shall forever reign as the captain of politics. It is sincerely a blessing how every four years, all countries of the world can put aside their bureaucratic differences and come together to preserve a common goal of the utmost significance: ¡fútbol!

Yes, may the United Nations stand firmly under the realization that when it comes to sports, we are all alike. We love to win. We collapse in agony from the prick of a blade of grass. And nothing vocalizes togetherness better than the sharing of beautiful beautiful music. I'm sorry, but those vuvuzelas are eargasmic. Seriously, USC, take some notes.

But pessimism rains on even the most precious harmonies. And if we do not learn from our history, we are doomed to repeat it. Therefore, I hereby declare July 11th, 2010 the end of the world as we know it. So, as soccer fields detonate the battlegrounds, here are my projections for the FIFA World War:

Round of 16

Uruguay vs South Korea
Not only did Uruguay manage to gain independence from Spain, Brazil, Portugal, Argentina, etc., but they earned their respect as a dark horse in conquest once again. An impressively stingy defense evaded the chaos of the group stage in the Battle of Las Piedras and they were annexed into the knockout round. They are the most economically and least corrupt country of a continent that is heavily threatening the state of the world. South Korea, with a democracy of their own, is sneakily stable and militarily strong, but subtract the tournaments where they were controlled by other nations, and this is actually an inexperienced group, and not too many people expected them to advance on their own. How will they do flying solo? The U.S. isn't here to protect them. La Liga Federal gane.

United States vs Ghana
For a republic that is fairly new to the soccer scene (and the globe), The United States certainly have compiled a rather poignant resume. Ghana, on the other hand, is not nearly as politically imposing, but they aren't worthless. They're the Warrior Kings! And just as they were the first sub-Saharan nation to achieve separation from the UK, they are rightfully the only African team to survive on their home turf! And they have a wondrous opportunity to avenge the unnecessarily inhumane suffering of their people on American soil! And like the U.S. ended slavery, they will Landon Ghana's Cup hopes.

Germany vs England
It's unfortunate how early this match-up presented itself. The United Kingdom was one of the formidable Allies that committed themselves to upending German...imperialism...twice. However, England will be forced to administer the same challenge, alone. With Lieutenant Rooney playing like Colonel Sanders, and retired General Beckham residing on America's sidelines, their fire power seems to have fizzled. Perhaps third time's a charm for a country that undeniably has zero problems prevailing in the beginning of wars (Boooooooo!)...gesundheit.

Argentina vs Mexico
As aggressively as Argentina has been pounding on the door of the upper echelon, its former tendencies to fail in delivery continue to overshadow their promise. Constant battles of independence within South America heavily depleted the amount of land the Argentines could have potentially bragged about, and although they possess a plethora of resources and a previous top-ten recognition for their riches, internal dictatorships and successions resulted in the extreme fluctuation of their economy; questionable managerial skills don't end there. They are lucky to face a nation that - disregarding their own lackluster experience and instability, and even their solid defensive front - cannot even maintain its citizens! Vuvuzela solo! HFLJGHKJFDLKSJGDFLJHDS;LDJ (Don't cry for me, Argentina!)

Netherlands vs Slovakia
Slovakia can empathize with South Korea to an extent, although they haven't made a name for themselves quite as respected, going from puppet regime of the Nazi demolition to Barbie doll regime in modern day. Despite their sub-par record against the big boys, the Dutch are a smart bunch that have built themselves up to become a somewhat reliable force, and any team that can belch the dough-brained Danish-eating Napoleons cheering at home wouldn't sweat the Slavs.

Brazil vs Chile
It is possible that the disappointing nil tie between Brazil and Portugal was a reminder of the Brazilians lengthy suffocation of Portuguese colonization. Where was Prince Pedro de Kaka?? Nonetheless, being the economical and political leader of the temporarily dominant Latin America, Brazil has the stage presence and authority to handle a Chilean squad being caught at a low point, with less established stature to back them up. Of course, Switzerland could have just as easily stepped out of the way.

Paraguay vs Japan
How does Japan react after not being invited into the discussion of forces to be reckoned with? They bomb you out of nowhere, and now everyone's eyes are wakened to their brutal influence. There is no sense in hiding under the wings of Eastern powers when you can blindside your group with clutch strikes in the early rounds. And they have the ammunition to sink the harbors of developing, ill-prepared Paraguay. They are only alive due to the unprecedented expulsion of the Jesuits...and the Italians.

Spain vs Portugal
A neighboring sibling rivalry. What the rest of the countries amazingly have in common is that they've all had to answer to the wrath of a Spanish Armada/conquistador/matador/etc. at one point or another. Surely, not much was sustained in the long run, but considering their historically unfavorable "positioning" at years' end, their tumultuous speed is extremely dangerous. The Portuguese have unquestionably held their own - most notably within Africa and South America - but over time it became inevitable that they would ultimately be engraved victims de su hermano mayor.

Quarterfinals

Netherlands vs Brazil
During the Eight Years' War, England's Queen Elizabeth I apparently was affected enough by Holland's struggles under Spain's reign to sympathetically provide them with one of her own armies. Is running to Mommy really an effective strategy for countering the bully of the playground? It is the first time. Brazil's social complications (perhaps subtle arrogance) prevent them from validating a true global stance as they are upset by the resourceful Netherlands.

Uruguay vs United States
America's history is engulfed by universal prominence and studly contributions (one of the few times I am not talking about soccer), and yet it is simultaneously interrupted by inner turmoil (now that's more like it), whether it be the Civil War or our advanced discrepancies amongst political parties, not to mention several more voided distractions. Even so, it has granted them with the gift of coping with diversity and adversity, for they are a nation of destiny. While Uruguay's subdued internal battles of Blancos and Colorados are almost invisible, they can certainly grow weary of their newfound expectations. Plus, just in case the U.S. doesn't encounter a Germany or Japan, upholding their bargain and relationship with South Korea would be the next best thing, as they valiantly show Uruguay Altidoor (how are these puns working for you?). 

Argentina vs Germany
Germany's immoral tyranny consisted of the accumulation of most of Europe and Northern Africa during WWII alone. Argentina holds suspended claims of Antarctica, but legally commands the South Sandwich Islands...oh what a Messi. Unless Maradona flashes the missile early, expect the Germans to own the role of enemy once again. Either way, Argentina can start crying now.

Japan vs Spain
Every high must come storming back to reality. It is clear that the Japanese become rapidly vulnerable under exposure and scrutiny, as the veterans project their atomic downfall, resulting in surrender, and later recession. Conversely, La Furia Roja licked their wounds on several occasions, and their persistence conserved a top ten ranking as an economic power, while Japan must continue their gradual recovery.

Semifinals

United States vs Netherlands
A tremendously rare and intriguing comparison. Both sides have suffered coincidentally and succeeded concurrently. However, aside from the less substantial victories and lack of iconic status, the renowned seafaring Dutch nation does not even possess the most recognizable Vikings of the tournament, and Sweden is sedentary. Go figure.

Germany vs Spain
Another infrequent pairing of two of the world's most illustrious staples. The only difference is that if you are in Berlin and are dastardly lucky enough to unearth the slightest public utterance of anything that happened, you're a goner. Spain's Real Madrid is portrayed with their heads held high.


Third Place


Netherlands vs Germany

THERE IS NO THIRD PLACE IN WAR!!! Oh well. Best In Show from this dog-eat-dog competition goes to the Netherlands. There are no moral victories in Germany.

Final

United States vs Spain
The U.S. has thrived in this exact situation before. They are the team of revolutionary prowess. The nation almost everyone is rooting for. Everything is squared away, so let's please just get this over with and leave...and then it happens. Dempsey's game-winner is intercepted by...none other than George W. Bush. And so the trend of getting in their own way ridiculously prevails, as Spain is rewarded for a demolishing and scarring World War Cup. Vu Vu Vuuuuu...Vu Vu Vuuuuuuuuu....