World War XIX

The profile of our planet is unavoidably a negative one. What we currently label the most superior species of lifeforms is inhibited by greed for power, and by discrimination of any fellow man. When we are not wasting land and resources, we are wasting money and human beings in order to maliciously obtain land and resources, and power. It appears as though close-minded racism will always outhustle the plea for peace, and war shall forever reign as the captain of politics. It is sincerely a blessing how every four years, all countries of the world can put aside their bureaucratic differences and come together to preserve a common goal of the utmost significance: ¡fútbol!

Yes, may the United Nations stand firmly under the realization that when it comes to sports, we are all alike. We love to win. We collapse in agony from the prick of a blade of grass. And nothing vocalizes togetherness better than the sharing of beautiful beautiful music. I'm sorry, but those vuvuzelas are eargasmic. Seriously, USC, take some notes.

But pessimism rains on even the most precious harmonies. And if we do not learn from our history, we are doomed to repeat it. Therefore, I hereby declare July 11th, 2010 the end of the world as we know it. So, as soccer fields detonate the battlegrounds, here are my projections for the FIFA World War:

Round of 16

Uruguay vs South Korea
Not only did Uruguay manage to gain independence from Spain, Brazil, Portugal, Argentina, etc., but they earned their respect as a dark horse in conquest once again. An impressively stingy defense evaded the chaos of the group stage in the Battle of Las Piedras and they were annexed into the knockout round. They are the most economically and least corrupt country of a continent that is heavily threatening the state of the world. South Korea, with a democracy of their own, is sneakily stable and militarily strong, but subtract the tournaments where they were controlled by other nations, and this is actually an inexperienced group, and not too many people expected them to advance on their own. How will they do flying solo? The U.S. isn't here to protect them. La Liga Federal gane.

United States vs Ghana
For a republic that is fairly new to the soccer scene (and the globe), The United States certainly have compiled a rather poignant resume. Ghana, on the other hand, is not nearly as politically imposing, but they aren't worthless. They're the Warrior Kings! And just as they were the first sub-Saharan nation to achieve separation from the UK, they are rightfully the only African team to survive on their home turf! And they have a wondrous opportunity to avenge the unnecessarily inhumane suffering of their people on American soil! And like the U.S. ended slavery, they will Landon Ghana's Cup hopes.

Germany vs England
It's unfortunate how early this match-up presented itself. The United Kingdom was one of the formidable Allies that committed themselves to upending German...imperialism...twice. However, England will be forced to administer the same challenge, alone. With Lieutenant Rooney playing like Colonel Sanders, and retired General Beckham residing on America's sidelines, their fire power seems to have fizzled. Perhaps third time's a charm for a country that undeniably has zero problems prevailing in the beginning of wars (Boooooooo!)...gesundheit.

Argentina vs Mexico
As aggressively as Argentina has been pounding on the door of the upper echelon, its former tendencies to fail in delivery continue to overshadow their promise. Constant battles of independence within South America heavily depleted the amount of land the Argentines could have potentially bragged about, and although they possess a plethora of resources and a previous top-ten recognition for their riches, internal dictatorships and successions resulted in the extreme fluctuation of their economy; questionable managerial skills don't end there. They are lucky to face a nation that - disregarding their own lackluster experience and instability, and even their solid defensive front - cannot even maintain its citizens! Vuvuzela solo! HFLJGHKJFDLKSJGDFLJHDS;LDJ (Don't cry for me, Argentina!)

Netherlands vs Slovakia
Slovakia can empathize with South Korea to an extent, although they haven't made a name for themselves quite as respected, going from puppet regime of the Nazi demolition to Barbie doll regime in modern day. Despite their sub-par record against the big boys, the Dutch are a smart bunch that have built themselves up to become a somewhat reliable force, and any team that can belch the dough-brained Danish-eating Napoleons cheering at home wouldn't sweat the Slavs.

Brazil vs Chile
It is possible that the disappointing nil tie between Brazil and Portugal was a reminder of the Brazilians lengthy suffocation of Portuguese colonization. Where was Prince Pedro de Kaka?? Nonetheless, being the economical and political leader of the temporarily dominant Latin America, Brazil has the stage presence and authority to handle a Chilean squad being caught at a low point, with less established stature to back them up. Of course, Switzerland could have just as easily stepped out of the way.

Paraguay vs Japan
How does Japan react after not being invited into the discussion of forces to be reckoned with? They bomb you out of nowhere, and now everyone's eyes are wakened to their brutal influence. There is no sense in hiding under the wings of Eastern powers when you can blindside your group with clutch strikes in the early rounds. And they have the ammunition to sink the harbors of developing, ill-prepared Paraguay. They are only alive due to the unprecedented expulsion of the Jesuits...and the Italians.

Spain vs Portugal
A neighboring sibling rivalry. What the rest of the countries amazingly have in common is that they've all had to answer to the wrath of a Spanish Armada/conquistador/matador/etc. at one point or another. Surely, not much was sustained in the long run, but considering their historically unfavorable "positioning" at years' end, their tumultuous speed is extremely dangerous. The Portuguese have unquestionably held their own - most notably within Africa and South America - but over time it became inevitable that they would ultimately be engraved victims de su hermano mayor.

Quarterfinals

Netherlands vs Brazil
During the Eight Years' War, England's Queen Elizabeth I apparently was affected enough by Holland's struggles under Spain's reign to sympathetically provide them with one of her own armies. Is running to Mommy really an effective strategy for countering the bully of the playground? It is the first time. Brazil's social complications (perhaps subtle arrogance) prevent them from validating a true global stance as they are upset by the resourceful Netherlands.

Uruguay vs United States
America's history is engulfed by universal prominence and studly contributions (one of the few times I am not talking about soccer), and yet it is simultaneously interrupted by inner turmoil (now that's more like it), whether it be the Civil War or our advanced discrepancies amongst political parties, not to mention several more voided distractions. Even so, it has granted them with the gift of coping with diversity and adversity, for they are a nation of destiny. While Uruguay's subdued internal battles of Blancos and Colorados are almost invisible, they can certainly grow weary of their newfound expectations. Plus, just in case the U.S. doesn't encounter a Germany or Japan, upholding their bargain and relationship with South Korea would be the next best thing, as they valiantly show Uruguay Altidoor (how are these puns working for you?). 

Argentina vs Germany
Germany's immoral tyranny consisted of the accumulation of most of Europe and Northern Africa during WWII alone. Argentina holds suspended claims of Antarctica, but legally commands the South Sandwich Islands...oh what a Messi. Unless Maradona flashes the missile early, expect the Germans to own the role of enemy once again. Either way, Argentina can start crying now.

Japan vs Spain
Every high must come storming back to reality. It is clear that the Japanese become rapidly vulnerable under exposure and scrutiny, as the veterans project their atomic downfall, resulting in surrender, and later recession. Conversely, La Furia Roja licked their wounds on several occasions, and their persistence conserved a top ten ranking as an economic power, while Japan must continue their gradual recovery.

Semifinals

United States vs Netherlands
A tremendously rare and intriguing comparison. Both sides have suffered coincidentally and succeeded concurrently. However, aside from the less substantial victories and lack of iconic status, the renowned seafaring Dutch nation does not even possess the most recognizable Vikings of the tournament, and Sweden is sedentary. Go figure.

Germany vs Spain
Another infrequent pairing of two of the world's most illustrious staples. The only difference is that if you are in Berlin and are dastardly lucky enough to unearth the slightest public utterance of anything that happened, you're a goner. Spain's Real Madrid is portrayed with their heads held high.


Third Place


Netherlands vs Germany

THERE IS NO THIRD PLACE IN WAR!!! Oh well. Best In Show from this dog-eat-dog competition goes to the Netherlands. There are no moral victories in Germany.

Final

United States vs Spain
The U.S. has thrived in this exact situation before. They are the team of revolutionary prowess. The nation almost everyone is rooting for. Everything is squared away, so let's please just get this over with and leave...and then it happens. Dempsey's game-winner is intercepted by...none other than George W. Bush. And so the trend of getting in their own way ridiculously prevails, as Spain is rewarded for a demolishing and scarring World War Cup. Vu Vu Vuuuuu...Vu Vu Vuuuuuuuuu....

WANTED: Antichrist of Boston

There isn't an adult I know that does not envy the worldly luxury that is kindergarten. And why wouldn't they? You've read all of the Facebook profiles by now. It is a glorious epoch where your most strenuous homework includes double-digit numbers, and your most crucial decisions involve Crayola's finest, and your highest standard of stress in this detrimental world is met by a prolonged quest for your cootie shot.

Yes, ignorance is bliss indeed, but we forget that our childhood is the primary source of the lessons and advice which ultimately sustain success and happiness throughout our ripened lives: make friends; listen to people; make more friends; you are special no matter what anyone tells you; don't forget to make friends; three cookies is enough and get your hand out of your pants! You won't meet a teacher worthy of that until the eighth grade. Now seriously, go out and make some friends!

Nothing was emphasized more during the Sports Management and Networking seminar I attended a week ago at the Blueclaws' FirstEnergy Park. Unfortunately, dues paid and talent upheld once an opportunity approaches - in any career - is only outdone by the people somebody else knows. It is a flawed system but we live with it, and there is no fault in pushing people to the stalker's edge of a social cliff. I just wish I learned the importance of supporter selectivity before associating myself with certain people.

Apparently, one of my closest friends, Mike Mantel, went to a baseball game in the past. I love this man like a brother with benefits, but he has absolutely no desire to admire or take note of the realm of sports - a fact that merely stings when compared to the remainder of this story, which I promise to spit out now. Here is an abridged text conversation between him and Jouben (the third beloved Michael of our trio):

MJ: Have you ever been to a baseball game?
MM: I think.
MJ: What?
MM: Well I went to a stadium in Boston.
MJ: Did it have a large green wall??
MM: Yes.
MJ: Holy crap you went to Fenway!
MM: Ok whatever.

...WHAT?!?!?! Are you joshing me?! Because your name is Mike. He received an entire illustrious tour of the prominent head on Major League's Mount Rushmore of coliseums...without any recollection of what it means! They could have been holding cricket tournaments for all he knew. And as I (a die-hard Red Sox fan) am hearing about this, I'm stuck in the Single-A wonder of Lakewood, New Jersey - the temple of his Jewish ancestors - the Nazareth of America! Come on!

Is it true that he was simply taking part in a class trip? Indubitably. And this debacle just happened to transpire the year Boston reversed their 86-season curse, so I'd much rather appoint Mantel the Savior of Beantown as opposed to hailing the juiced apostles of Not-So-Cleantown. It does not bother me that he lacks the knowledge and fandom circling this society, nor do I blame him for this intolerable incident. I blame Fenway Park.

Sporting events should entertain a more careful screening process for their admittees, in order to maintain their safety and reputations, along with those of the stadiums. True aficionados have nothing to fear, but if you are not a baseball lover and have not one idea of what you are beholding and can't prevent yourself from becoming lost or frustrated before you end up choking on a Cracker Jack, then allow me to direct you to the appropriate venue for you. So for all of you illegitimate U.S. citizens, let's take you out to some ballgames.

*Rogers Centre (Toronto Blue Jays): It's in Canada. So if you hate your country....
*Chase Field (Arizona Diamondbacks); Kauffman Stadium (Kansas City Royals); Progressive Field (Cleveland Indians); Safeco Park (Seattle Mariners): People walk all over you and don't even notice. You will never like baseball and these places are okay with that. Why not get some homework done in peace?
*Orioles Park at Camden Yards (Baltimore Orioles): You are Puck from Glee. When you decided to shave your mohawk, the aforementioned non-fans decided they can beat you up to attain validation in their own lives. Just park your car on Eutaw Street and sneak out early.
*Minute Maid Park (Houston Astros); PNC Park (Pittsburgh Pirates): Shrek - "Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?"
*Angel Stadium of Anaheim (Los Angeles Angels); Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum (Oakland Athletics); Rangers Ballpark in Arlington (Texas Rangers): You guys are actually decent people, but freakishly annoying at the same time. You are overly wordy to overcast the sunshine of your unoriginality. You also have some unhealthy fascination with the West.
*Nationals Park (Washington Nationals): Despite a bleak past, you are quite an optimistic fellow. And for your drink, you can buy a Stephen Strawsberg. Hahaha...whatever gets you through the day.
*Sun Life Stadium (Florida Marlins): When you go to a party, the host does everything in his power to get you to leave.
*Tropicana Field (Tampa Bay Rays): You want to be indoors. You're in Florida! If you can't handle the heat, then pretend to like these pretenders. (There is a small chance the Red Sox and Yankees advantageously screwed that roof over you, so they could shut y'all up.)
*Comerica Park (Detroit Tigers); Turner Field (Atlanta Braves): You like arguing and you crave drama. That's about it. Not too much else goes skitzophrenics!!!
*Busch Stadium (St. Louis Cardinals); Target Field (Minnesota Twins): You're the new kids on the block and you have that silent-but-deadly demeanor so I have nothing bad to say about you.
*Great American Ball Park (Cincinnati Reds): Gullible is your middle name and Literal is your Confirmation name. You probably saw Great American Ball Park and thought " Gee willikers! This is the greatest stadium in the history of forever with the best baseball since sliced bread! If i go in then that attractive cheerleader will think I'm a jock and notice me!" Dumbass.
*Miller Park (Milwaukee Brewers): Carnivores. You just love meat so much that nothing else exists. You can purchase meat, fornicate meat in the Terrace Box, and in the the middle of the sixth inning (Oh boy!), you can watch meat race! You're a sphygmomanometer away from paradise! Honestly, those sausages are a much better spectacle than those hot dogs wearing uniforms.
*PETCO Park (San Diego Padres): Vegetarians. You just love breathing animals so much that nothing else exists. "PETCO Park?! Oh my God a petting zoo!" Then you sprint inside only to witness some shockingly okay baseball. "That's great...so where are the animals?"
*Coors Field (Colorado Rockies): If you love high elevation and balls flying everywhere...no wonder you don't like sports.
*Citizens Bank Park (Philadelphia Phillies): You're an obnoxious story topper. When the guy on your left is tossing alcohol at the centerfielder, and the guy on your right...where did he...oh he's being tasered in centerfield..."That's nothing. See you umpires in centerfield tomorrow night!"
*AT&T Park (San Francisco Giants): You're a stubborn prune. Your drunk father wants to bond with you at a baseball game, but you'd rather play Marco Polo in the bay. Well here, you can do both! You also consumed ample amounts of juice from 1993-2007.
*Dodgers Stadium (Los Angeles Dodgers): You appreciate simplicity and tradition. And in spite of your mannywood, size doesn't matter to you. Kudos! And you don't need to be aware of the circumstances of the contest - just quarrel with the San Francisco fan three rows down and you'll fit right in.
*[New] Yankee Stadium (New York Yankees): Economics shmeconomics! You city folk hate the farm and want to see money grow on infrastructure. Disparity is the only trend you'll follow.
*Citi Field (New York Mets): You ever-so-badly yearn to be included in your older brother's limelight, and you continuously fall on your ass. So I guess an apple a day....
*Wrigley Field (Chicago Cubs): Well...you're an ambitious double major - History and Greek Tragedies. And if you're numb mentally and emotionally...no one can distinguish you from the actual fans. But you want to prove to your friends that you're seriously trying. You know what you should do? Snatch a ball in play from the field!
*U.S. Cellular Field (Chicago White Sox): Another disgruntled little sibling.
*Fenway Park (Boston Red Sox): Honestly, you are flawed and you need serious help. But you are persistent and accept adversity. You are extremely unique, and the Pesky Pole is a strong indication of your...cup size. And as long as you can appreciate years of suffering and know common terms such as THE GREEN MONSTER, you are welcome. And Neil Diamond flows through your veins.

Are cliques ridiculous? Of course. Am I being rude? Most likely. But I'm just helping people make friends.