My New Years' Resolution was to write one blog every month, and particularly to highlight our nation's invaluable holidays in said blogs through the worldly outlet of ridiculous pleasure that is sports. Needless to say...that didn't happen. I couldn't even survive January. Resolutions are just more examples of drunken outbursts that we, as Americans, attach significance to, when they really don't mean anything. To apply faith and professional stakes towards anything announced while under the influence of alcohol or even mere exuberance is a habit we need to resist as soberly as we possibly can.
If only we knew our beloved bracketologists were still hungover from Mardi Gras when making this year's NCAA Tournament selections. I respect this committee wholeheartedly, for their task is truly one of the hardest sitting jobs in this country. But this bracket is just atrociously weird. Why is Florida a #2 seed?! Why is the most common number of losses 14?! Where are Colorado, Virginia Tech and St. Mary's and why UAB, VCU and USC?! What kind of state are we in where I'm appalled by my own school's inclusion?!
March Madness is one of the most sacred strings of merriment in the industry, and it appears as though we've accomplished the Mad part early - well enough to halt my record streak of laziness and have me write about it. But were these judgments lapses of psychological stability, or were our experts tipping the bottle? Or are they actually valid? Am I drunk right now? Most likely no (answering the latter question), but in any case, it is ironic that the tourney comes into full swing on St. Patrick's Day. So during this time of haziness and uncontrollable sobbing, who are we going to believe? In reality, this skepticism means nothing, since we are now supposed to switch our addictive efforts to the gambling of these match-ups, and we have what we have. But if these contests were in fact constructed through theoretical inebriation, then that is how I'll pick them. I might as well have that excuse to fall back on for a change. Only I promised my family I wouldn't drink this year. Oh, the holidays...
Round 2 (...exactly)
East Region:
-(1)Ohio St. over...does it really matter? I'll never be that wasted. (Texas-San Antonio over Alabama St, by the way)
-(9)Villanova over (8)George Mason - A slumping team with five consecutive losses upending a supposedly hot mid-major? That's more like it.
-(5)West Virginia over (12)UAB/Clemson - That dash in the middle bothered me, so I went with WVA. Also, whoever survives this battle of vindication (tentatively Clemson) will probably be too drained to advance any further.
-(4)Kentucky over (13)Princeton - Princeton! There's an Ivy League idea! I haven't read a book all year!
-(11)Marquette over (6)Exavier...Zavier...Halle Berry... - In the midst of those 14 losses, the Golden Eagles have some legitimate wins this season.
-(3)Syracuse over (14)Indiana St - It is now the Big East Region. Get over it!
Big East Region (cont.):
-(10)Georgia over (7)Washington - Another average-at-best showing from the Pac-10. Another hardly-justifiable anti-Pac-10-other-than-USC decision.
(2)UNC over (15)Long Island - I live near Long Island. If they somehow pull off this miraculous upset, it'll give New York another reason to be loud. I don't want that. My excessive ranting alone is already giving me a headache.
West Region:
-(1)Duke over (16)Hampton - That would be fun!
-(9)Tennessee over (8)Michigan - Yeah 14 more losses! Can the Wolverines win an important game in any sport anymore?
-(12)Memphis over (5)Arizona - see Georgia game above, except Memphis can ball when they're on.
-(4)Texas over (13)Oakland - The Raiders better not be playing basketball too.
-(11)Missouri over (6)Cincy - Because Cincy sounds like a cat's name...oh...they're the BearCats? Well...they're still overrated. And Missouri is under-seeded.
-(3)UConn over (14)Bucknell - UCONN!!!!!!!!! Objectivity and bladder control are slowly slipping away...
-(10)Penn St. over (7)Temple - They look good all of a sudden, and it must be hard to alley-oop in a synagogue.
-(2)San Diego St over (15)Northern Colorado - If it was Equal-Opportunity All-of-Colorado, the game might be closer.
Southwest Region:
-(16)Boston U over (1)Kans...haha you should have seen your face!
-(8)UNLV over (9)Illinois - Illinois has been too inconsistent this year. Vegas, on the other hand, always has booze.
-(12)Richmond over (5)Vanderbilt - The Commodores annually-dizzy play come tournament time speaks for itself.
-(13)Morehead St. over (4)Louisville - Because I can. And a #13 seed is bound to win in this bracket, right?
-(11)USC over VCU and (6)Georgetown - They lost to Rider and Bradley in the beginning of the season, but just because they shouldn't be here doesn't mean they can't win. Come on, they're all we have!
-(3)Purdue over (14)St. Peter's - I have nothing funny to say.
-(7)Texas M&M over (10) Florida St - Oh it's A&M...I really wanted the candy! It was actually the most intriguing factor in this match-up. Oh well, I'll still pick them anyway.
-(2)Notre Dame over (15)Akron - I hate this, man, I hate this!
Southeast Region:
-(1)Pittsburgh over (16)Again I won't waste your time. (Arkansas-Little Rock over UNC Asheville. Hey, I did waste your time.)
-(9)Old Dominion over (8)Butler - But Butler did it last year! No fair! But seriously, they haven't been the same since.
-(5)Kansas St. over (12)Utah St. - I picked KSU to win the whole thing in September. Talk about being unenthused when you roll over in bed the next morning to witness what you've dragged home and slept with. But they'll win this one. They're good enough, right?
-(4)Wisconsin over (13)Belmont - This is the 30-win #13 seed they all want you to choose, but we'll show them!
-(6)St. John's over (11)Gonzaga - Gonzaga...Gonzagaaaaaaaa...nah. Not cool enough this time.
-(3)BYU over (14)Wofford - Say, I've gotten pretty far without making a total jerk out of myself -
-(7)UCLA over (10)Michigan St. - WHAT?! I'm kidding, right? I need water and pretzels, pronto! Look at the name of this blog! I can change my mind, right? It isn't Thursday yet!
-(10)Michigan St. over (7)UCLA - You all hate me now, don't you? Both schools really have had their bright moments, and their awful ones, but the Spartans just have more fire power at this point.
-(2)Florida over (15)UC Santa Barbara - Just because. I need to calm down.
Round 3/of 32/867-5309
East:
-(9)Villanova over (1)Ohio St. - Take that Joe Lunardi! Once Nova wins they won't want to stop! Senior Fisher conquers Freshman Sullinger!
-(4)Kentucky over (5)West Virginia
-(3)Syracuse over (11)Marquette
-(2)UNC over (10)Georgia - Hurry, the cops are coming.
West:
-(9)Tennessee over (1)Duke - No more #1s! Rebel, rebel! Nolan Smith has a boo-boo!
-(4)Texas over (12)Memphis - Walking in Texas...
-(3)UConn over (11)Missouri - UCONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
-(2)San Diego St. over (10)Penn St. - SDSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Southwest:
-(1)Kansas over (8)UNLV - I would love to keep demoralizing ESPN and society, but I've just been cut off. Vegas is closed.
-(12)Richmond over (13)Morehead St.
-(11)USC over (3)Purdue - Seriously, though, Rider and Bradley! Except apparently I'm still buzzed enough not to care. My Trojans are dancing!
-(2)Notre Dame over (7)Texas A&M
Southeast:
-(1)Pittsburgh over (9)Old Dominion
-(5)Kansas St. over (4)Wisconsin - Dream alive, baby, dream alive.
-(6)St. John's over (3)BYU - Ireland wins, but Viktor Krum catches the Snitch. Red Storm wins, but Jimmer Fredette scores 60.
-(10)Michigan St. over (2)Florida - MSU was ranked second in the preseason and rightfully lost it. Florida is talented but will rightfully lose this game as an incredulous #2. And the UCLA Bruins are burned yet again. WHAT?!
Sweet Sixteen/Oh my God what have I done?
East:
-(4)Kentucky over (9)Villanova - Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking, but I'm okay now. Kentucky should have been a #2.
-(3)Syracuse over (2)UNC - The Tar Heels are too young to be drinking/dancing too much.
West:
-(4)Texas over (9)Tennessee - Again, sorry about that. Texas shows up much bigger when they're under the radar, unlike last year.
-(2)San Diego St. over (3)UConnnnnnnnnn -Yes, Connecticut is my favorite college basketball team - 2004 was my first ever bracket and to this day I am solaced by that victory. And yes, Kemba Walker is the most clutch player this season. But I really would be stoned to believe his supporting cast can stand guard of this high a pedestal throughout the whole thing.
Southwest:
-(1)Kansas over (12)Richmond - The Jayhawks know better this year, much to my dismay.
-(2)Notre Dame over (11)USC - Now is when it kicks in. RIDER AND BRADLEY!!! USC has played well as of late, but ND is just too stacked. No Bush to thrust Mayo into the hoop, or buy everyone consolatory houses.
...So UConn and USC are now gone...okay bring on the peppermint schnapps...
Southeast:
-(5)Kansas St. over (1)Pittsburgh - Ban normalcy! Pitt crumbles yet again! I will be notorious!
-(6)St. John's over (10)Michigan St. -What does anyone know about basketball? We had St. John's in the cellar of their conference!
Elite Eight/That point when you're so trashed, you're a genius
-(3)Syracuse over (4)Kentucky - It's the Big East Region, remember?
-(2)San Diego St. over (4)Texas - Walking in San Diego...always a dangerous decision, but the fires are ablaze and aligned.
-(2)Notre Dame over (1)Kansas - This honestly is a terrible year to be a #1.
-(5)Kansas St. over (6)St. John's - Remember how Jacob Pullen and Curtis Kelly were suspended earlier in the year? No, it wasn't for DUI's! Jeez, guys. Imagine if that didn't happen - this pick might look smarter.
Final Four/Where's the damn toilet?!
-Syracuse over San Diego St. - We're still waiting for the Orange to collapse inconspicuously as they did a couple months ago, but this is arguably the fullest roster of the tourney. And they don't have that bad of a coach, either.
-Notre Dame over Kansas St. - That warm fuzzy feeling has transformed into blinding stabs of hatred. An all-Big East championship is quite normal considering the hell I just endured. Maybe I can walk in a straight line now...ow! Anyway, the 'Cuse win it all, because it's a type of tree, and I'll be waking up surrounded by branches tomorrow...sycamore...never mind...
Thank God this is not my only bracket - I have four more - but I will guarantee you that a #3 seed (Syracuse, UConn, Purdue, or BYU) will rush out of Houston victorious. And as soon as they return to campus, they will sip herbal tea and study for exams exclusively, because March Madness entails enough togas and beer pong for one semester. Happy Holidays! Rider and Bradley!