Home Is Where Your Broken Mangled Diseased Heart Is

I spent the last two nights in a square, padded, red room, being forced to consume my meals through a tube, because I and every other Boston devotee choked throughout the entire month of September. I aimlessly shambled around campus Wednesday night belting hit breakup songs such as “Bust Your Windows” and “Before He Cheats” praying that Theo Epstein would speed down our poorly sheltered SoCal streets on a moped and hand me corked bat. Then Curt Schilling stopped by to calm me down and we dyed our socks in tomato sauce and made a collage out of household products that come in 2004s (the 2008 championship was a merely an extra Neil Diamond album in the stocking of a spoiled brat.) The authorities finally pinned me down and accused me of being Kevin Millar – I had planned not to shave until the Red Sox made the playoffs – and placed me in solitary confinement, where I had time to dwell on the fact that I vigorously rooted for the Yankees (!) for once in my life only for them to shove their payroll in a blender and pour the result down into the sewage pipes while Robert Andino (?) of the Baltimore Orioles (?!) ended my faith in 9-game leads and my hopes and dreams as a human being. But I’m okay now.

Before the Red Sox’ monumental collapse and evaporated October contention, my original intent this week was to follow up on the very first piece I wrote over a year ago – a personification of the thirty Major League Baseball stadiums and an appropriate guide for the non-fans who wish to know which one they are allowed to enter, in order to eradicate any further disgrace of the sport. Looking back at that expose I realized three things: 1) what a weirdo I was, 2) I am still that weirdo but a seasoned and surprisingly objective weirdo…and 3) it would perform wonders on my credibility if I actually visited all of these theaters, as my Brooklyn shove-it-in-my-face Acting professor Mary Joan calls them. It is now my new dream (or pending more aneurisms, my bucket list) to travel cross-country and do so, and with any luck I will get through this blog without breaking down and…EVAN LONGORIA! REALLY? YOU’RE A DESPARATE HOUSEWIFE AND NO ONE EVEN GOES TO YOUR GAMES! OBJECTIVITY…seriously…I’m over it. The stadiums I have been to so far:

Dodgers Stadium (Los Angeles Dodgers)

What I said then: “You appreciate simplicity and tradition. And in spite of your Mannywood, size doesn't matter to you. Kudos! And you don't need to be aware of the circumstances of the contest – just quarrel with the San Francisco fan three rows down and you'll fit right in.”

What I say now: I’ve been to several Dodger games now and cannot say that much has changed at all, and even with Manny Ramirez being traded last year and leaving prison last week, they still had the dedicated section of Mannywood with the ridiculous dread-wearing Holly-smokers that most likely remained in their seats to urinate in between innings. A Dodger dog is still an average frankfurter with a catchy name, and I absolutely love sitting in an upper tier and still feeling like I’m at the baseline. As one of the older and smaller stadiums left, barely renovating was the smartest business decision the McCourts ever made. And although I have never witnessed a brawl with Bryan Stow status – may he continue to rise in his recovery – that latter notion is endlessly true. And between that and the Raiders-49ers preseason shooting a month ago, why are Californians so angry and restless? Can’t we be like the Disney Ducks of hockey and just get along while we suck?

Angel Stadium of Anaheim (Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim; also coupled with the Texas Rangers and Oakland Athletics)

What I said then: “You guys are actually decent people, but freakishly annoying at the same time. You are overly wordy to overcast the sunshine of your unoriginality. You also have some unhealthy fascination with the West.”

What I say now: Accurate. My expectations briefly increased as I saw how beautiful the stadium looked from the outside, but the scanning of my ticket was the extent of my excitement for its aesthetics. They do have that random mini-golf mountain beyond centerfield, which is also nice to look at, until it spews fireworks during homeruns and I mourn the ozone layer. They heavily rely on popular culture (references to the A-Team, constant replaying of Beyonce’s “Halo”, and a rally monkey…yeah, I don’t get it either) to get across that they are still the Angels despite their confusion with the rest of their title. Honestly, it doesn’t matter to me if you prefer to go by the state, county or city, but you can only pick one! My GPS imploded trying to find you guys and you owe me a new one! But I thank you for allowing the Athletics (an irony supported by their record) to rally past you in the ninth inning on Sunday during your own postseason quest that the fans, quite frankly, could have cared a little more about – it was sadly the highlight of my September.

Orioles Park at Camden Yards (Baltimore Orioles)

What I said then: “You are Puck from Glee. When you decided to shave your Mohawk, the [lesser] non-fans decided they can beat you up to attain validation in their own lives. Just park your car on Eutaw Street and sneak out early.”

What I say now: As a tourist, I adored Baltimore – my mouth still waters from the best crab cake sandwich I ever tasted. It was invigorating to walk to the stadium from the Inner Harbor, past the birthplace of Babe Ruth, and down the aforementioned and renowned Eutaw Street, and I lovingly did so with my girlfriend as we hilariously flabbergasted sidewalkers in our matching Red Sox and Yankees T-shirts, respectively, that we bought in their mall for an Orioles contest (see, I’m more complex than you imagined). And after receiving yet another T-shirt as a promotion of a pitcher whom no one knew and wasn’t even playing that day (Jake Arrieta), the sensation from walking through and being immersed in their cutely exhibited history of accomplishments that they stretched as much as they could get away with and all the way to Cal Ripken Jr. of last century was as advertised for a sports enthusiast. It is a shame that their spunk and pride don’t translate into wins against the Chicago White Sox, and one of the best locker room speeches in cinema – Al Pacino in “Any Given Sunday” – is heart-wrenchingly wasted night after night (although they have no problem eliminating Boston from…I’m calm, don’t worry).

Fenway Park (Boston Red Sox)

What I said then: “Honestly, you are flawed and you need serious help. But you are persistent and accept adversity. You are extremely unique, and the Pesky Pole is a strong indication of your...cup size. And as long as you can appreciate years of suffering and know common terms such as THE GREEN MONSTER, you are welcome. And Neil Diamond flows through your veins.”

What I say now: My irrational Massachusetts-induced Tourette's aside, there is arguably not a venue in baseball superior to Fenway from standpoints of architecture, originality, significance and environment. Okay I promise I’ll stop but come on, it’s a sexy stadium, and we really are all insane. I vacationed in Boston during my high school spring break of 2007 to witness Asian phenom Daisuke Matsuzaka – the second-worst 100 million dollars ever spent, only topped by Michael Vick – pitch in his home debut. Preposterously, he showed great promise for our future in that outing, but the offense sputtered with just one lonely hit off of King Felix Hernandez and the Seattle Mariners (another irony – that one hit was a double by J.D. Drew). Nowadays, Matsuzaka is just another hurler on the roster who failed to even be a third quality starter behind Josh Beckett and Jon Lester after Clay Buchholz’s injury, and once-Savior and manager Terry Francona is the erroneous scapegoat. Anyway, in spite of the grungy surrounding community, a major contributor to my college plans was once Fenway, but I learned not to base my education solely off of sports…USC also has pretty fountains.

*I have not had the opportunity to see Yankees or Mets games since they both acquired new homes, so to speak, but I am counting them regardless (and readers, feel free to purchase tickets for us next season)*

Citi Field (New York Mets)

What I said then: “You ever-so-badly yearn to be included in your older brother's limelight, and you continuously fall on your ass. So I guess an apple a day....”

What I say now: The debates over whether the Red Sox or Mets are the worse franchise have ensued (and the Cubs are so defective that they were not even invited), but at least we have next year to find out if we will choke TWO years in a row. By the way, the one Mets contest I remember attending as a child was a series the last weekend of the season…and a loss to the Atlanta Braves…why is it that for every baseball game I go to, the away team always wins?!

[New] Yankee Stadium (New York Yankees)

What I said then: “Economics shmeconomics! You city folk hate the farm and want to see money grow on infrastructure. Disparity is the only trend you'll follow.”

What I say now: There was a period of time after writing this blog where I thought that maybe, and just maybe, I was being too cruel and too prejudiced as a journalist – there is no denying the intangibility of Yankee stadium (at least the old one) with the late Bob Sheppard announcing Derek Jeter’s at-bats and Kate Smith’s vibrato-rich “God Bless America” during the seventh-inning stretch, and Brett Gardner actually started his career with the Yankees, so that’s something – but now I forever rescind that momentary guilt. A 200 million dollar team salary and you couldn’t squeeze out one more win? A 603-save closer in Mariano Rivera and he couldn’t pitch one more inning? A chance for another 100-win season in a meaningful series and Joe Girardi and the Bombers couldn’t go for it like their inflated egos deserved?

Shockingly, I don’t believe it was a conspiracy to purposefully lose to the Tampa Bay Rays just so the Red Sox wouldn’t make the playoffs, but I’m still in disapproval of New York’s decision to selfishly rest their top players. It’s the same thing as a struggling or terrible club tanking the rest of the way to secure the #1 draft pick. I can hardly understand not wanting to risk your team’s health when you’ve already clinched home-field advantage for the American League, but I personally would rather momentum heading into October while preserving the integrity of the game for those who still have to earn their spot. But with all of the complaining over and done with at last (eh…), the battle of baseball stadiums over the addition of a new World Series banner will play out as followed:

Divisional Round: Detroit Tigers over New York Yankees

This is not a pick of bitterness, but unlike the Pinstripes, the Tigers didn’t stop playing baseball this week. Plus they have Cy Young shoe-in Justin Verlander, so if the Tigers can steal either Game 2 or 3, then Verlander will do the rest.

Texas Rangers over Tampa Bay Rays

This pick, on the other hand, is a tad more lemony, but Texas now has postseason experience after last year’s WS loss, and Tampa perhaps exuded too much of their energy to reach this point (and Rangers fans at least remember to be present at their games).  *ALCS: Tigers over Rangers*

Philadelphia Phillies over St. Louis Cardinals

What’s easily lost in this past week’s action is how the Braves endured a symmetrical wild card collapse in the National League at the mercy of the Cards. Philly, meanwhile, suffered their worst losing streak of the season after assuring their bid, but reignited recently as they helped eliminate Atlanta, and no matter what they dastardly possess the wickedest roster of both leagues. Say goodbye to Albert Pujols, Missouri.

Milwaukee Brewers over Arizona Diamondbacks

The D-Backs were an impressive last-to-first story in the NL West, but I still  study their depth chart and end up with migraines over how they hell they pulled 94 victories out of their dry asses. I’m going with the bigger star power, outstanding home record, and mobile kielbasa. *NLCS: Phillies over Brewers*

World Series: Phillies over Tigers

It’s the best pitcher versus the deepest rotation and I have to side with the latter. Cliff Lee was ace of the Rangers when they succumbed to the Tim Lincecum and the San Francisco Giants’ staff because he was the only reliable pitcher, and Verlander will undergo that exact fate as Lee reverses his. I know it’s a boring prediction, but it’s not a homer prediction. Now let the tasers and tranquilizers resurface!

Little but Giant

Ten years ago, my father Michael Joseph James Luca Sr. met Jim Fassel and the New York Giants. It was a few days after he aided thousands of people across the Brooklyn Bridge during the September 11th terrorist attacks.

None of the other sixth graders in Christa McAuliffe Middle School in Jackson, New Jersey had any clue as to what was going on either. The teachers would not tell us despite our restlessness and obsession with information, and yet hours of postponed learning flew by and classmates left and right were beckoned home by the intercom. Rumor finally broke loose that one of the Twin Towers had collapsed, although we weren't aware of the reason - how can a building just fall down? My friends and I collaborated over what the new name of the remaining stature should be...nothing great came up. Preteen mystery eventually subsided once I arrived home and learned the truth. By that age I was used to not knowing how long traffic would delay my NYC court officer dad from reaching home, but this time "when" was unfortunately not the only information I obsessed over.

Days later, as Dad continued to be a hero, sorting through the rubble and identifying many other children's heroes, a huddle of figures aproached their site of work. Among the emergence was the previously mentioned former head coach, along with the likes of Michael Strahan, Tiki Barber, Luke Petitgout, etc. Fassel's words to the force were simple and impactful, commending them on the valiant job they performed (and still were performing) for this heartbroken city and nation; this was followed by a string of handshakes, giant in every sense of the word.

Our story is one of the lucky ones, and in times of unquantifiable struggle and catastrophic incomprehension, it is imperative to recall the little positives that through healing bloom into massive values. For one thing, sports really do matter. In the grand scheme of things they will never match up to life itself, but when the intangibles of existence become too overwhelming, it is the distraction of devotion that propels us past our strife, and the perspective of togetherness that evades our newfound agony. It is the unity of a family on the couch for several weekends of compromise and without the remote, or of the city of New Orleans as the Saints trounced the Atlanta Falcons in the Louisiana Superdome a year after Hurricane Katrina, or of the entire planet through FIFA World Cups and the Olympics. It is the Mets' Mike Piazza crushing a game-winner to deep left-center field on September 21st, and Aaron Boone and the Yankees' Game 7 victory in the 2003 ALCS over the Red Sox, and Eli Manning's dismantled pocket resulting in the David Tyree helmet catch of the millennium. Sports may not cure wounds, but they are a more-than-capable Band-Aid. And especially for a Week One that almost never was, it is vastly appropriate to remember and cope with 9/11 on a Sunday of unlocked football.

1) I would have picked New York Giants over Washington Redskins and New York Jets over Dallas Cowboys regardless, but this inevitable boost will all but secure it for both squads. As I've been bawling over for a month now, The G-Men had an excruciating offseason capitalized by a depleted defensive unit due to injury, but Washington hasn't beaten them since before their 2008 Super Bowl run, and I decided they will just not let themselves lose. As for the Rex-Rob Ryan Bowl and the Cowboys chances, their own beefed up arena will have nothing on Sunday night's MetLife Stadium crowd as the J-E-T-S I'm-not-finishing-the-chant-sorry will add themselves to the aforementioned New York timeline on their division title quest.

2) Sadly, Buffalo will not quite relish in the same success - Kansas City Chiefs over Buffalo Bills as my Eliminator Pick of Week One.

3) Pittsburgh Steelers over Baltimore Ravens and Philadelphia Eagles over St. Louis Rams - while neither of these teams will be playing on fields in Pennsylvania, expect both to escape early tough road matchups and reduce adjectives as they commence their playoff campaigns.

4) Even if Eli's brother Peyton was healthy enough to compete, this is finally the magical season for Matt Schaub and Houston Texans over Indianapolis Colts for the division crown, and the opening win.

5) As stated above, the New Orleans Saints know all about societal resurrections, legendary moments and Thursday nights, but while this past one encompassed such, they still succumbed (as I predicted) to the eventual repeat-champion Green Bay Packers (I'm 1-0!). Their potential AFC SB counterparts, New England Patriots over Miami Dolphins, and last year's second-worst franchise Denver Broncos over Oakland Raiders are what to look out for tomorrow night. Now last year's first-worst franchise...

6) Upset of Week One: Carolina Panthers over Arizona Cardinals. My theory was somewhat squandered when Auburn triumphed without Cam Newton yesterday against Mississippi St in yet another nail biter, but amongst all the scrutiny of the public, the first pick of the NFL draft has not lost a meaningful contest so far, and nothing helps a rookie more than a solid offensive line, balanced running attack, versatile tight ends in broken down situations, and raw athleticism (I know they won't finish over .500 but I'm giving them this one). Also, I'm still waiting for Kevin Kolb to do something comparable to the five-year-long hype he has received, while their defense is certainly something to sneeze at.

7) Seattle Seahawks over San Francisco 49ers. Pete Carroll over Jim Harbaugh, so essentially USC over Stanford. And I'm sure they will land quarterbacks Andrew Luck and Matt Barkley, respectively, in next April's draft.

8) And by the way, the Yankees and Mets will close out their current series (opposing the Angels and Cubs) fortuitously. And I'll allow some shampoo to slip into my eyes Monday morning.

9) The other games this week: Detroit Lions over Tampa Bay Buccaneers (possibly the most exciting game today advertising up-and-coming stardom), Atlanta Falcons over Chicago Bears (convincingly), Cleveland Browns over Cincinnati Bengals (by default), Tennessee Titans over Jacksonville Jaguars (a pick I changed once the Jags released starting quarterback David Garrard mafia-style), and San Diego Chargers over Minnesota Vikings (featuring this season's MVP in quarterback Philip Rivers).

10) The fantasy football campaigns of both myself and my father will begin harmoniously. He will forever remember the service he contributed to this endlessly thankful country and the little but giant positive of meeting his idols. I met my idol and hero roughly 21 years ago.

5 Golden Fantasy Championship Rings

It has been three weeks since Santa Goodell retrieved the NFL DIRECTV package from my dumpster and dropped it back down my chimney, and I am still playing with the bubble wrap, because the true holiday season has officially begun. With the impounding lockout, we almost lost pure American tradition, for fantasy football is as normal and necessary as finding massive socks with gum and deodorant in them hanging from your stairs or throwing plates at your "eggnogged" stepdad. Well, alas, the silverware will still be flying this August, and every draft throughout the nation should be noted and praised upon this barren month of the calender. Of course, the unwelcomed frenzy that was this offseason ruffled some roasted duck feathers in regards to the makeup of these rankings, but it would not be our beloved American pastime without a little chaos.

What's Still Tradition - The one person in the league that will neglect to select a runningback until the third round.
What's Been Lost - A consensus number one pick - Adrian Peterson, Arian Foster and Chris Johnson all look like higher gambles to me than I would prefer.
What's Still Tradition - A man leaving a jail cell to redeem his football career, and thanks for signing with the Jets, Plax...
What's Been Lost - Brett Lorenzo Favre is not on an NFL, CFL, UFL, NAACP or any other depth chart.
What's Still Tradition - The New York Giants endured a terrible free agency period.
What's Been Lost - It was so excruciating that I am now a Buffalo Bills fan.
What's Still Tradition - Kickers will never matter, whether you are victorious from their 14 points or admitted in the hospital after their -8 points.
What's Been Lost - The guy that drafted Rob Bironas with the No. 50 overall pick is not in my league this year.
What's Still Tradition - Myself slaving over my intricate ranking systems for weeks and making bold scary predictions and proclaiming my supposed wisdom via blog and tongue only to pull a Matt Dodge (ugh...) and  miss the playoffs in my own commissioned league.
What's Been Lost - Me being wrong this time.

The Kids That Are Somehow Still Not Awake By Ten A.M. While Mountain Bikes And Strippers Wait For Them Under The Tree (a.k.a the Sleeper Picks):

QB - Matt Cassel (KC) - Something tells me this is exactly like the Chad Henne debacle from last season's expose, but I don't care. It is perceived that Cassel cannot elevate to the next level as a leader and playmaker or at least sustain his 2010 success, and it is true that he fizzled in the latter half and the playoffs, but he is certainly adequate enough to thrive with Jamaal Charles, Dwayne Bowe, and the rest of the high-powered offense that surrounds him (as I said of Miami last year...). Look for Steve Breaston to be the most underrated and significant acquisition this offseason as an additional weapon for Cassel.

RB - Rashad Jennings (JAC) - 20-carry workhorses are now an endangered species, and Maurice Jones-Drew might be heading towards the decline as well, even if it is only slightly. During the times when he was either injured, struggling or just splitting carries, Jennings stepped in with two 100+ yard games in those brief opportunities. That eating of touches will continue increasingly, as Jennings' groomed young talent will propel the next quality platoon and handcuff situation.

WR - Pierre Garcon (IND) - He is slated at third on the Colts' depth chart, and he is quite possibly the best third option in the league this season. He did not perform too well in 2010, but Reggie Wayne still is not getting any younger, Dallas Clark hardly played due to injury, and Austin Collie is a candy cane, so Garcon needs to step up for an ailing Peyton Manning.

TE - Jared Cook (TEN) - I would have went with new starter and appointed star-in-the-waiting Jimmy Graham from New Orleans, but everyone talking about him is starting to wake up his status a bit, so I went with the other guy. Cook did present potential last season as a pass-catching tight end that the Titans have not seen from that poisition since Frank Wycheck. Perhaps Tennessee's offense will not be as inept as I envisioned maybe a month ago, with the emergence of Kenny Britt and [hopeful, pending holdout] stability of Chris Johnson, and a youthful flashy tight end is always helpful for an aging pit stop of a quarterback (Matt Hasselbeck) or a rookie (Jake Locker).

DEF - Dallas Cowboys - This unit is not used to being ranked outside of the top 15 in spite of their horrific inability cover or stay healthy in the secondary. But they still have DeMarcus Ware, which means they will get points in the sacks department. This team does still have talent whether they bring it with them into their ridiculous stadium or not, and the reduced expectations should loosen them up some, along with the fact that offensive-minded head coach Jason Garrett actually rejuvenated the defense with his midseason promotion, so they should bounce back.

Those Eggnogged Stepdads That I Mentioned Earlier (a.k.a People to Avoid):

QB - Peyton Manning (IND) - You noticed my utilization of the word "ailing" before, huh? Yes, Manning's neck surgery is more concerning than they are letting on, and the huge contract extension makes it even worse. I'm not saying he isn't a top-5 fantasy quarterback at this point, but the problem is that he has been a top-1 fantasy quarterback up to this point. I am anticipating the 35-year-old's age to finally start catching up with him, and a broken streak of consecutive playoff berths.

RB - Peyton Hillis (CLE) - I nailed it well enough last year with the Madden 11 cover boy - Drew Brees threw too many interceptions and did not deliver enough superstar numerical outings to counteract. Now the curse is passed on to a fan-appreciated Browns' runningback that only has one productive season under his belt and was fading towards the end anyway once people realized that a Cleveland footballer was serious about rushing and scoring. Remember Jerome Harrison? Reuben Droughns? Yeah, Hillis will be taking his talents to Suck Beach.

WR - Brandon Lloyd (DEN) - How in the world did this guy lead the league in receiving yards and wide-out fantasy scoring? And without anyone seeming to care, then or now. Kyle Orton may be the cemented starter currently, but even if he avoids being traded or benched for the nation's best arm in Tim Tebow, him and Lloyd will not experience the same lucky magic.

TE -Tony Gonzalez (ATL) - Dallas Clark of Indy, Jermichael Finley of Green Bay, and Owen Daniels of Houston are all being prematurely rushed back into elite status after their injury-plagued 2010, and yet I'm going with the iron man who has owned the elite status for fifteen years as a 2011 disappointment. The numbers and targets are just simply decreasing, and the Falcons finally have a second respectable option at wide receiver in rookie Julio Jones, so this Gonzo is being alienated to the middle of the pack.

DEF - Philadelphia Eagles - Money does not buy a defense's capability to work cohesively overnight. They may accumulate sacks, turnovers and special teams touchdowns but they will still surrender some points. Asante Samuel will not be happy as a nickelback, they lost Quintin Mikell and they don't have linebackers...oh who am I kidding? They're stacked. I'm bitter. I forced myself to award half-ass compliments to the Dallas Cowboys so I wouldn't feel like a total subjective discredited SOB of a blogger. Whatever. I will not be drafting the Eagles tonight. Happy fantasy freakin' football everybody!

On the 134th Day of the Lockout, My True Love Gave To Me...

It is difficult for me to consistently entertain conventional customs of faith in this world while seeing the piling of the unfortunate everywhere one may turn, but I do my best to unconventionally get by. I may not fully grasp many aspects of religion or believe in how it represents itself in public, so I elect to support Darwin or await reincarnation. I may not want to believe that humans have as much power over choices or responsibility in circumstances as we might deem, so I abide by the psycho-comedic screenplay that is fate. And aliens. I believe in puppets substituting for people and morality successfully and how rabbits are the Satans of the animal kingdom - I believe in the majestically abnormal. And I may not envelop as fortifying a warm-and-fuzzy feeling during the socially renowned holidays, so I embody my own. I believe in Christmas in July.

How else can you explain the winter wonderland I awoke to this Christmas Eve morning when I read how the four-month NFL lockout very well could/should/would officially be terminated Christmas Day? Is it a fluke that both the owners and players reportedly agree upon the CBA proposal on July 24th? They have had a ridiculous amount of opportunities to settle this before today, but monetary greed and bah humbugs and mistletoe teases made Cindy Lou Who fear there would be no football this season. Then Roger Goodell's heart grew three sizes about a week ago, and now Drew Brees basically has the Saints putting their pads on to make snow angels. Call it a coincidence or an alignment of the stars, in each sense of the term, but this is a summer miracle.

Of course we should not be naive enough to rule out another jarring setback in negotiations by this time tomorrow, but optimism has already swelled my body the way all good ham and eggnog should. My faith in sports is undeniably restored, at least until the September Valentine's Day cards swirl around and USC doesn't get any. I am a kid again hyped up on candy canes and nonsense, who woke up at 9:30 in the holy freakin' morning to start writing this blog without an outline, and yet I will not be sleeping tonight because Santa will  be stopping by to cheer up my mother and drop off my NFL with a huge sparkling red bow on top. My wishes and prayers have been answered, and if we are considering this marvel a partridge in a pear tree, then expect the gifts to continue falling from the chimney:

-I almost felt jolly enough to call Terry Francona (whose present was his 1000th managerial baseball victory during this weekend series) and have him let the Mariners beat my beloved Red Sox later today, but alas, I do not. However, suspect Seattle to end their 15-game losing streak on the exact same day the lockout concludes, and against who else? The Yankees obviously. God Bless Us, Everyone!

-Fantasy fanatics can finally exhale, or implement their IVs and breathing tubes, cancel their college football and golf leagues, and proceed with neglecting other potential hobbies and their families.

-Give Kobe Bryant and Dwight Howard their passports, for it would be ludicrously selfish of me to beg for football and basketball this autumn. Plus, while the two play overseas during the NBA's own stoppage, Kobe will recruit Superman to the Lakers, thrusting Andrew Bynum off of the sleigh.

By the time we reach Christmas according to the actual calendar, the standings might absolutely be manipulated solely by the repercussions of this lockout and the vast and rapid actions these teams perform over the next two weeks. From rookies to emerging young stars, stunted player development could not be avoided 100%, and the signing of free agents will be even more constipated than usual, so the already cemented veteran cornerstones of this league will only be challenged by a sprinkle of pixie dust:

-NFC South - Quarterbacks Josh Freeman of the Bucs and Matt Ryan of the Falcons will have to wait one more year to lead their youthful and loaded offenses atop the division, because Drew Brees will be rewarded for his advocacy of the NFLPA, parenting of off-the-field workouts, and staying power as an elite passer.

-AFC East - Both the Patriots and Jets have possessed vocal parties throughout this process, one of which quite possibly more obnoxious than the other (go ahead and guess which). It is always fun for each of these squads to play the Grinch in the context of fans' rooting interest, but although Tom Brady has experienced snowy magic in Foxboro, Christmas is generally grander in New York...

-AFC North - Joe Flacco of the Ravens is another budding quarterback victimized by the delay in preferred preparation, so recently married Ben Roethlisberger will keep the romance, the Steelers, and the temporarily decent behavior rolling.

-AFC South - Along with Brees and Brady, Peyton Manning completes the trifecta of NFL leaders with and without the pigskin in hand, but between the undervalued neck injury and the fact that he truly is not getting younger, perhaps it is not such a wonderful life anymore. I was one jump away from departing the Houston Texans bandwagon once and for all, but now I believe I spot Rudolph up front, so I'll stay and play reindeer games.

-NFC West -Even if the Cardinals land Kevin Kolb or "steal" Matt Hasselbeck from Seattle, and the Seahawks "won" the division last year, and the 49ers...the Rams present the best overall talent and "veteran" leadership courtesy of lucky Sam Bradford. Despite the inhibiting lockout and just one [choked] season under his belt, his surprising composure should entice a Randy Moss or Plaxico Burress to become bah humbled and catch his passes.

-AFC West - The Chiefs and Raiders both shockingly flourished in their respective perimeters last season, but in this time the progress will unfortunately be delayed in the midst of their new expectations. This has to be the Chargers last chance, as it has been over the past decade, so perhaps this is St. Nick turning Philip Rivers into wine and wins.

-NFC East - The Eagles' Michael Vick has transformed into the giant feel-good story everyone cherishes during the holidays, but this is my holiday, and as I stated before, Christmas is better in New York...

-NFC North - I would positively love to acclaim the rising Detroit Lions as the surprise wild card team of the league that will deservedly make the playoffs after years of coal in their stockings, but even Disney cannot draw that up. It just so happens that the largest beneficiaries of the NFL lockout are the reigning champion Green Bay Packers, who have slipped out of the target zones of the other 31 clubs and under the radar, but not enough to stop me from making them my first favorite to repeat since I have cared to make my predictions public.

Happy holidays, everyone. Enjoy the yellow snow as new drama is shoveled.

Osama Also Had A Mother Day

Almost twenty and a half years ago, a future sports blogger with Gaye's tones, homophonical questioning, and wait-for-it...nope-still-confusing lexicon was blessed upon the Earth, because of my mother. Worldly players such as President Obama, Sarah Palin, and Rebecca Black spawned from maternal mammals that would forever be responsible for today's flawless reign. And the sporting industry that we strangely rely so heavily upon for our values is consumed by mothered figures - yes, even you, Dennis Rodman. The day to celebrate these women has arrived again, even though uteri and ovaries are still highly disregarded in the various discussions of sports greatness.

At this point, I'm not even talking about any lack of respect for female athletes. Forget that Pat Summitt has had arguably just as successful a basketball coaching career as Pat Riley but not many people seem to care, and that the Tennessee nickname Lady Volunteers isn't made note of well enough at all. Forget that Danica Patrick's best race to date is away from the clutches of GoDaddy lawsuits and that Annika Sorenstam is falsely accused of possessing more outward genitalia. And PLEASE forget about the WNBA...just forget it, because the Lingerie Football League is cancelling out that mistake in a major way anyway. No, my beef derives from the fact that none of these statistics, championships or excused Sunday alcoholic binges would even exist if it weren't for these athletes' mommies.


So what would sports be like if, say, mothers had a tangibly larger role? Would such events and daily reports be filled with warm feelings of support, love, and a kissed bandaid on a torn ACL? Or would they deteriorate under postpartum hormones of over-protectiveness and what-the-hell-is-up-your-apron? As a gift to all my moms out there, I'm going to find out:


Mrs. McNabb: You boys look hungry!
NFL Comissioner Roger Goodell: Wilma, these are private negotiations, you can't be in here!
Mrs. McNabb: Why don't you boys just put an end to this silly lockout and fill yourselves up on some of my hot Chunky Soup!
Roger Goodell: That would work on us if your son Donovan was still an elite quarterback -
Mrs. McNabb: Oh Donnie will do better next year, I assure you. Let the boys play.
Roger Goodell: I'm going to fine you $100,000.
Mrs McNabb: And I'm going to shove this wooden spoon up your -
Result = The lockout ends well before mini-camps commence, but after truckloads of Campbell's Chunky, everyone converts to offensive guard, and Goodell still gets booed at the 2012 NFL Draft.


Mrs. James: LEBRON RAYMONE JAMES! WHAT IS THIS MRS. WADE IS TELLING ME ON THE PHONE?!
LeBron: Mom! You stepped on my chalk! Now it's just powder -
Mrs. James: Now I know the son I raised isn't going to publicly humiliate Mr. Gilbert on national television with this The Choice nonsense -
LeBron: It's The Decision, Mom, and Dan has done nothing for me in Cleveland, so -
Mrs. James: You march right to that phone, young man, and call Mr. Gilbert to let him know you're taking your skills -
LeBron: Talents -
Mrs. James: Talents, to South Beach, and you will do it with respect, or someone will not be getting new Nikes for Christmas!
Result = The dumbest hour in ESPN history never exists, and the Miami Heat get swept by the Philadelphia 76ers in the first round.


Mrs. Ovechkin: Alexander, you haven't touched your vegetables.
Alexander Ovechkin: Oh, I'm sorry Mom. It's these stupid hockey playoffs. I'll never make it to the Stanley Cup Finals.
Mrs. Ovechkin: Aw, does my little Ovie want an ice cream cone or some new teeth to feel better?
Ovie: Um, Mom...about that...I don't think you should call me Ovie anymore. I think I need a new nickname - something more grown-up, like...Alexander the Great!
Mrs. Ovechkin: But...but I've always called you Ovie...
Ovie: I know but - oh Mom don't cry -
Mrs. Ovechkin: The tears are Russian out of me!
Ovie: It's just that all the other players are starting to call me that and they're making fun of me -
Mrs. Ovechkin: It's that Sidney Crosby boy, isn't it?! Well, I'm going to give his parents a piece of my mind!
Ovie: Mom no! Don't -
Result = Tattletale McMommasboy wins the 2012 Ovie Cup.


Mrs. Uncle Mo: Get your ass out of hay this instant!
Uncle Mo: I'm not going! My stomach hurts -
Mrs. Uncle Mo: You made a commitment to this Kentucky Derby and you are going!
Uncle Mo: I'm just a horse! No one will notice I'm even gone.
Mrs. Uncle Mo: They're saying you're the favorite! Why would you quit now? And how would that make Auntie Uncle Mo feel? She bought you all those saddles and that little person. You are not quitting!
Uncle Mo: I'm gonna hurl.
Mrs. Uncle Mo: You're fine. Now get the hell up or I'm calling Elmer.
Result = Animal Kingdom still wins the derby, and Uncle Mo is euthanized in the middle of the track. Hey, moms aren't perfect.


Lisa O'Halloran: Michael Joseph James Luca Jr! Stop writing that blog and do the dishes!
Result = Pulitzer Prize winner These Bubbles Blow: Michael Luca's Guide to Dish Washing. Yes, women are crazy, but in our fathers' eyes they were holes in one. Happy Mother's Day.

Happy St. Lucardi Day-O! (...exactly)

My New Years' Resolution was to write one blog every month, and particularly to highlight our nation's invaluable holidays in said blogs through the worldly outlet of ridiculous pleasure that is sports. Needless to say...that didn't happen. I couldn't even survive January. Resolutions are just more examples of drunken outbursts that we, as Americans, attach significance to, when they really don't mean anything. To apply faith and professional stakes towards anything announced while under the influence of alcohol or even mere exuberance is a habit we need to resist as soberly as we possibly can.

If only we knew our beloved bracketologists were still hungover from Mardi Gras when making this year's NCAA Tournament selections. I respect this committee wholeheartedly, for their task is truly one of the hardest sitting jobs in this country. But this bracket is just atrociously weird. Why is Florida a #2 seed?! Why is the most common number of losses 14?! Where are Colorado, Virginia Tech and St. Mary's and why UAB, VCU and USC?! What kind of state are we in where I'm appalled by my own school's inclusion?!

March Madness is one of the most sacred strings of merriment in the industry, and it appears as though we've accomplished the Mad part early - well enough to halt my record streak of laziness and have me write about it. But were these judgments lapses of psychological stability, or were our experts tipping the bottle? Or are they actually valid? Am I drunk right now? Most likely no (answering the latter question), but in any case, it is ironic that the tourney comes into full swing on St. Patrick's Day. So during this time of haziness and uncontrollable sobbing, who are we going to believe? In reality, this skepticism means nothing, since we are now supposed to switch our addictive efforts to the gambling of these match-ups, and we have what we have. But if these contests were in fact constructed through theoretical inebriation, then that is how I'll pick them. I might as well have that excuse to fall back on for a change. Only I promised my family I wouldn't drink this year. Oh, the holidays...

Round 2 (...exactly)
East Region:
-(1)Ohio St. over...does it really matter? I'll never be that wasted. (Texas-San Antonio over Alabama St, by the way)
-(9)Villanova over (8)George Mason - A slumping team with five consecutive losses upending a supposedly hot mid-major? That's more like it.
-(5)West Virginia over (12)UAB/Clemson - That dash in the middle bothered me, so I went with WVA. Also, whoever survives this battle of vindication (tentatively Clemson) will probably be too drained to advance any further.
-(4)Kentucky over (13)Princeton - Princeton! There's an Ivy League idea! I haven't read a book all year!
-(11)Marquette over (6)Exavier...Zavier...Halle Berry... - In the midst of those 14 losses, the Golden Eagles have some legitimate wins this season.
-(3)Syracuse over (14)Indiana St - It is now the Big East Region. Get over it!
Big East Region (cont.):
-(10)Georgia over (7)Washington - Another average-at-best showing from the Pac-10. Another hardly-justifiable anti-Pac-10-other-than-USC decision.
(2)UNC over (15)Long Island - I live near Long Island. If they somehow pull off this miraculous upset, it'll give New York another reason to be loud. I don't want that. My excessive ranting alone is already giving me a headache.

West Region:
-(1)Duke over (16)Hampton - That would be fun!
-(9)Tennessee over (8)Michigan - Yeah 14 more losses! Can the Wolverines win an important game in any sport anymore?
-(12)Memphis over (5)Arizona - see Georgia game above, except Memphis can ball when they're on.
-(4)Texas over (13)Oakland - The Raiders better not be playing basketball too.
-(11)Missouri over (6)Cincy - Because Cincy sounds like a cat's name...oh...they're the BearCats? Well...they're still overrated. And Missouri is under-seeded.
-(3)UConn over (14)Bucknell - UCONN!!!!!!!!! Objectivity and bladder control are slowly slipping away...
-(10)Penn St. over (7)Temple - They look good all of a sudden, and it must be hard to alley-oop in a synagogue.
-(2)San Diego St over (15)Northern Colorado - If it was Equal-Opportunity All-of-Colorado, the game might be closer.

Southwest Region:
-(16)Boston U over (1)Kans...haha you should have seen your face!
-(8)UNLV over (9)Illinois - Illinois has been too inconsistent this year. Vegas, on the other hand, always has booze.
-(12)Richmond over (5)Vanderbilt - The Commodores annually-dizzy play come tournament time speaks for itself.
-(13)Morehead St. over (4)Louisville - Because I can. And a #13 seed is bound to win in this bracket, right?
-(11)USC over VCU and (6)Georgetown - They lost to Rider and Bradley in the beginning of the season, but just because they shouldn't be here doesn't mean they can't win. Come on, they're all we have!
-(3)Purdue over (14)St. Peter's - I have nothing funny to say.
-(7)Texas M&M over (10) Florida St - Oh it's A&M...I really wanted the candy! It was actually the most intriguing factor in this match-up. Oh well, I'll still pick them anyway.
-(2)Notre Dame over (15)Akron - I hate this, man, I hate this!

Southeast Region:
-(1)Pittsburgh over (16)Again I won't waste your time. (Arkansas-Little Rock over UNC Asheville. Hey, I did waste your time.)
-(9)Old Dominion over (8)Butler - But Butler did it last year! No fair! But seriously, they haven't been the same since.
-(5)Kansas St. over (12)Utah St. - I picked KSU to win the whole thing in September. Talk about being unenthused when you roll over in bed the next morning to witness what you've dragged home and slept with. But they'll win this one. They're good enough, right?
-(4)Wisconsin over (13)Belmont - This is the 30-win #13 seed they all want you to choose, but we'll show them!
-(6)St. John's over (11)Gonzaga - Gonzaga...Gonzagaaaaaaaa...nah. Not cool enough this time.
-(3)BYU over (14)Wofford - Say, I've gotten pretty far without making a total jerk out of myself -
-(7)UCLA over (10)Michigan St. - WHAT?! I'm kidding, right? I need water and pretzels, pronto! Look at the name of this blog! I can change my mind, right? It isn't Thursday yet!
-(10)Michigan St. over (7)UCLA - You all hate me now, don't you? Both schools really have had their bright moments, and their awful ones, but the Spartans just have more fire power at this point.
-(2)Florida over (15)UC Santa Barbara - Just because. I need to calm down.

Round 3/of 32/867-5309
East:
-(9)Villanova over (1)Ohio St. - Take that Joe Lunardi! Once Nova wins they won't want to stop! Senior Fisher conquers Freshman Sullinger!
-(4)Kentucky over (5)West Virginia
-(3)Syracuse over (11)Marquette
-(2)UNC over (10)Georgia - Hurry, the cops are coming.

West:
-(9)Tennessee over (1)Duke - No more #1s! Rebel, rebel! Nolan Smith has a boo-boo!
-(4)Texas over (12)Memphis - Walking in Texas...
-(3)UConn over (11)Missouri - UCONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
-(2)San Diego St. over (10)Penn St. - SDSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Southwest:
-(1)Kansas over (8)UNLV - I would love to keep demoralizing ESPN and society, but I've just been cut off. Vegas is closed.
-(12)Richmond over (13)Morehead St.
-(11)USC over (3)Purdue - Seriously, though, Rider and Bradley! Except apparently I'm still buzzed enough not to care. My Trojans are dancing!
-(2)Notre Dame over (7)Texas A&M

Southeast:
-(1)Pittsburgh over (9)Old Dominion
-(5)Kansas St. over (4)Wisconsin - Dream alive, baby, dream alive.
-(6)St. John's over (3)BYU - Ireland wins, but Viktor Krum catches the Snitch. Red Storm wins, but Jimmer Fredette scores 60.
-(10)Michigan St. over (2)Florida - MSU was ranked second in the preseason and rightfully lost it. Florida is talented but will rightfully lose this game as an incredulous #2. And the UCLA Bruins are burned yet again. WHAT?!

Sweet Sixteen/Oh my God what have I done?
East:
-(4)Kentucky over (9)Villanova - Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking, but I'm okay now. Kentucky should have been a #2.
-(3)Syracuse over (2)UNC - The Tar Heels are too young to be drinking/dancing too much.

West:
-(4)Texas over (9)Tennessee - Again, sorry about that. Texas shows up much bigger when they're under the radar, unlike last year.
-(2)San Diego St. over (3)UConnnnnnnnnn -Yes, Connecticut is my favorite college basketball team - 2004 was my first ever bracket and to this day I am solaced by that victory. And yes, Kemba Walker is the most clutch player this season. But I really would be stoned to believe his supporting cast can stand guard of this high a pedestal throughout the whole thing.

Southwest:
-(1)Kansas over (12)Richmond - The Jayhawks know better this year, much to my dismay.
-(2)Notre Dame over (11)USC - Now is when it kicks in. RIDER AND BRADLEY!!! USC has played well as of late, but ND is just too stacked. No Bush to thrust Mayo into the hoop, or buy everyone consolatory houses.
...So UConn and USC are now gone...okay bring on the peppermint schnapps...

Southeast:
-(5)Kansas St. over (1)Pittsburgh - Ban normalcy! Pitt crumbles yet again! I will be notorious!
-(6)St. John's over (10)Michigan St. -What does anyone know about basketball? We had St. John's in the cellar of their conference!

Elite Eight/That point when you're so trashed, you're a genius
-(3)Syracuse over (4)Kentucky - It's the Big East Region, remember?
-(2)San Diego St. over (4)Texas - Walking in San Diego...always a dangerous decision, but the fires are ablaze and aligned.
-(2)Notre Dame over (1)Kansas - This honestly is a terrible year to be a #1.
-(5)Kansas St. over (6)St. John's - Remember how Jacob Pullen and Curtis Kelly were suspended earlier in the year? No, it wasn't for DUI's! Jeez, guys. Imagine if that didn't happen - this pick might look smarter.

Final Four/Where's the damn toilet?!
-Syracuse over San Diego St. - We're still waiting for the Orange to collapse inconspicuously as they did a couple months ago, but this is arguably the fullest roster of the tourney. And they don't have that bad of a coach, either.
-Notre Dame over Kansas St. - That warm fuzzy feeling has transformed into blinding stabs of hatred. An all-Big East championship is quite normal considering the hell I just endured. Maybe I can walk in a straight line now...ow! Anyway, the 'Cuse win it all, because it's a type of tree, and I'll be waking up surrounded by branches tomorrow...sycamore...never mind...

Thank God this is not my only bracket - I have four more - but I will guarantee you that a #3 seed (Syracuse, UConn, Purdue, or BYU) will rush out of Houston victorious. And as soon as they return to campus, they will sip herbal tea and study for exams exclusively, because March Madness entails enough togas and beer pong for one semester. Happy Holidays! Rider and Bradley!

I Dream of Beanie...and Other Players

Nothing lasts forever. Nothing! Even our Earth is supposedly destined to cease existence by the realistic date of 2012. Time is branded as eternal and yet it was only yesterday when I shed my California spring skin for the luxurious summer months of New Jersey (oh, where did they go...). Our days surrender to nightfall and darkness is rudely interrupted by mesmerizing light. Periods end both my sentences and my appetite. The majesty of relationships comes and goes while the great-grandparents who slipped you candy and money and maintained some sort of normalcy in your deranged family wisely passed away. Piercing procrastination eventually subsides and each personality of the beloved bipolar patient clocks out for the other, and the detrimental confusion and frustration evaporates in the ozone layer of attention deficit disorder. And even my random cathartic rants include conclusion paragraphs. There is not one thing in this life that can be definitively imprinted with an everlasting quality. Nothing, except for football.

America's real favorite pastime is relentless. It is the essence of the devoted sports fan, and the sole athletic priority of the less-than-or-equal-to casual one. It is an intangibly glorious epoch that can be played, observed, debated and admired year-round. Sure, the whistle blows after three hours, but the play clock ignores the delay-of-game penalty flag as February flashes by. Our time spent pining throughout the offseason and irrationally number-crunching at the blink of a Favre is only outdone by our passion. Our obsessive compulsive, production-derailing passion. And the distinct magnitudes of fantasy and reality in football are seamlessly intertwined in a distorted cloud of vision that deems everything else in this world worthless, I tell you, worthless!

Therapists have insisted that I start keeping a journal.

Dear Diary,
I have trouble falling asleep at night. My destructive and intrusively racing thoughts distract me from the pure good that goes unnoticed, preventing that sweet blissful payoff. Subsequently, here are my sleeper picks for the upcoming fantasy football season:
-Chad Henne (QB/MIA): Henne is ready to elevate his game as a leader and the league's next statistical arm. With Brandon Marshall's arrival satisfying his ability to throw deep and an established formidable running game, this is undoubtedly a top-5 offense in the works. He will be lucky to be drafted amongst the first fifteen quarterbacks, but this Dolphin's numbers should prove that to be a mistake, swimmingly. Moreover, Henne's success will hopefully pave the path of stardom for...
-Davone Bess (WR/MIA): The attention paid to Marshall should leave the middle of the field wide open for the next Wes Welker of the AFC East. From his productive undrafted career at Hawaii to his steadily solid and escalating performances in his first few years, Bess is showing he can be one of the most attractive #2 wideouts in upcoming rankings.
-Alex Smith (QB/SF): Not one person needs to succeed more than Smith, but after gaining some confidence at the end of last year, he joins the best surrounding cast of his career. This former number one pick now has the wisdom to finally unleash his potential and avoid the invitation to JaMarcus Russell's couch.
-Carolina Panthers Offense: This is definitely a rebuilding year, and yet the Panthers have never accepted such in the past. There have been cases in recent history where the influx of Saviors (Philip Rivers; Brady Quinn) were betrayed in their first years (Drew Brees; Derek Anderson), and Matt Moore can do the same to Jimmy Clausen. Also watch out for underclassmen Brandon LaFell (WR) and Gary Barnidge (TE) to emerge, because...well somebody has to, which should end a foreseeable slump for Steve Smith by the second half.
-Julian Edelman (WR/NE): Whether Wes Welker is officially back in pads on Sundays by Week 1 or Week 17, it isn't fair to believe he will contribute Wes Welker after major knee reconstruction. Tom Brady didn't. And he's also not getting any prettier, nor is Randy Moss any younger. Therefore, both from out of the slot and from Wonder Bread's left, prepare for Edelman to be the next borderline average receiver to produce big in New England.
-Legedu Naanee (WR/SD): Unlike Welker, Vincent Jackson is guaranteed to miss indefinite but extensive time. Enter Naanee. From Chris Chambers to Jackson to Malcolm Floyd, San Diego has no problem filling in the number two hole, and Naanee is big and handy and a little foreign - just the way they like them in Cali.
-Fred Jackson (RB/BUF): In an era where running platoons are almost necessary, numerous fantasy standouts are losing worth, and no one is taking a bigger hit right now than Fred Jackson. With Marshawn Lynch still on the trade block and C.J. Spiller realistically defying ignorance to determine his rookie role, Jackson is proving to be the only sure thing. If Steven Jackson can gain 1,400 yards on a pedestrian squad and behind a questionable offensive line and against eight or nine stacked in the box, why can't the other Jackson? You can now grab him as a reserve towards the latter portions of eight-team drafts, so cherish him.
-Ben Tate (RB/HOU): Two years ago, the Texans selected rookie Steve Slaton to provide an electric ground attack, and he sufficed immediately. The difference here is that Tate can potentially pound the rock and hold on to it consistently for a longer period.
-Cincinnati Bengals Defense: If you witnessed the Hall of Fame Game this past Sunday, then this isn't a huge secret anymore. They were superb in the red zone, only surrendering field goals. This is a crew with playmaking ability that is finally healthy and out of handcuffs, and they are ready to make sacks and turnovers.
-New York Giants Defense: A former top-5 certainty and powerhouse. Injuries and egos. Five 40+ point debacles. And if presented with the opportunity, there would have to be crap left for me to draft them. But they can't go anywhere but up. They are determined to leave the hot seat, and they are healthy. A crowded and disgruntled defensive line will emerge into the Giants of old.

Dear Diary,
I recently tried out group. It blows. They say when depression beckons, I'm supposed to just ignore it. Some instances are more tempting than others, but I'm trying nonetheless. Here's a list of "triggers" that I recommend staying away from (or at least thinking twice about):
-Drew Brees (QB/NO): Obviously, Brees is an elite quarterback across the board and will rightfully be drafted high. Perhaps he is going too high, though. A year removed from his 5,000 yard campaign, that total dropped significantly last season, and despite leading in touchdowns, cosmological box scores landed inconsistently. Now add the pressure and dubious luck of defending a title, and the fact that no one is sharing the notorious Madden cover with him to help refract the curse. Unless he slides anyway, if you're confident that you can wait for Matt Schaub or Tony Romo for your next selection, draft a star receiver instead of Brees.
-Kevin Kolb (QB/PHI) and Matt Leinart (QB/ARI): I am ascertained foolish every single year by immediately discounting first-time-starting quarterbacks, only for them to continuously dish out solid seasons. Of course, that doesn't change how they never have enough astounding evidence to pronounce them worthy, and these two guys are no different.
Sidney Rice (WR/MIN): As brilliant as Rice proved to be last year, one breakout season does not ensure permanent recognition. He faces a lot more adversity than, say, a Miles Austin only because it still isn't certain who will be throwing him the football, making his appropriate draft slot fuzzy. By the way, I hate that I even have to say it, but don't draft Brett Favre. Just don't. And I said that last year, as well....
-Roddy White (WR/ATL): His on-field opposite - Michael Jenkins - will most likely miss opening week or more, but even with him being there, and with an aging Tony Gonzalez and with a raw Harry Douglas coming off of injury, it isn't enough to draw defenders away from White. He'll get his, but not enough for you to fall in love with him.
-Steven Jackson (RB/STL): Remember the aforementioned praise I just awarded to him? Well, that can only survive for so long. And whether his back is healed or not, it seems inevitable that he will be hit. A lot. Rookie quarterback Sam Bradford doesn't ease any apprehension, either.
-Brandon Jacobs (RB/NYG): Jacobs vows to bounce back from a weak showing in 2009, but he barely eclipsed 1,000 yards in the only two years he accomplished such. He has never stayed healthy, the offensive line is another year older, and an immobile Ahmad Bradshaw performed Lightning-years better than old Rolling Thunder. Bradshaw should be named the starter by midseason.
-Jahvid Best (RB/DET): Of the five prolific rookie running backs (Best, Spiller, Tate, Ryan Mathews and Montario Hardesty) that possess substantial playing time in the urgent future, Best offers the most caution. Kevin Smith is coming back from a knee injury and may or may not be 100 percent by Week 1 or even the starter, but Best just finished battling his own plethora of ailments, with the headliner being a concussion. Detroit's offensive line isn't impressive anyway, and name me one first-round Lion who shined in his iniating campaign.
-Cincinnati Bengals Offense: As much as I love their defense, that is how much I fear the expectations of the offense. I still do not understand the upside of three middle-aged, grotesquely egocentric wide receivers coexisting on the field and in the locker room for sixteen games, nor do I anticipate the stats that are the only remedy for this unfortunate disease. Carson Palmer is not who he used to be and has to demonstrate otherwise. We haven't seen Jermaine Gresham yet as Marvin's marvel at tight end, and his own injury history can direct his nearsighted success in either direction. And during his only fruitfully positive season, Cedric Benson lost wind in the second half before getting hurt, and just avoided yet another arrest. Everything is too close to call, but I guess it isn't over until the fat lady chokes on a popcorn kernel. 
-Washington Redskins Offense: This crop, on the other hand, should definitely prepare themselves for another Haynesworth-type sprint this year. Donovan McNabb cannot be expected to resurrect a team that has less talent at every position than those of Philadelphia. Santana Moss - legal issues aside - has shown he can't be a true number one, and the other receivers have proven even less. Plus, they are going to make the ill decision to start Chris Cooley over Fred Davis. McNabb is praying that Coach Shanahan can revitalize Clinton Portis, or else he will be craving the playoff losses he left behind.
-Baltimore Ravens Defense: It's a good thing that Baltimore isn't required to rely on their defense wholeheartedly anymore, because they just do not have the same firepower. They've held their own for over a decade, but gaping holes in their secondary have never been larger. Terrell Suggs slid heavily after his contract extension a year ago, and Ray Lewis simply does not have too much left in the tank. And now I will not be visiting Maryland unattended anytime soon.

Does therapy work? I would have to say no. All I know is that winning a fantasy championship in the league I founded four long years ago is the only scenario that will make me feel better. My drought will end! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be hallucinating in the corner.